Progress and Exhaustion

It's been.... four months since my previous post at the start of the year, and how much can change in four months. I've become a third year in school and in my final year to getting my diploma. I've grown.... Grown more willing to the viewpoints that I've not bothered to look at before. But I think most of all, I've grown... Grown less hopeful, more stressful, more wistful, more cynical and less of an innocent I was before.


Such things may not have only happened in the four months, but I've felt as if lately it has become so. I'm not sure if it's from past experiences or a steady accumulation over time.


One thing I do know is that.... I'm actually really tired. I'm tired of all the expectations, all the hard work I've had to put in, all the facades I need to give to people I don't particularly fancy, all the rules and obligations and last of all, I'm tired of myself.


Four months.... And I'm 19 now since four days ago. You might think, well, 19 is pretty young. You're still young! You've a bright future ahead of you! But what if... What if that was all a farce.


The truth is that I've exhausted myself out every day since I've been keenly aware of what was called and perceived societal notions and expectations. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired from being a perfectionist and I'm tired from seeming constantly nice. I'm tired of being a people-pleaser and I'm tired of being stuck in this little rut of mine I always seem to be in when I feel that my shield against my own battered heart won't hold up.

"Often, we ignore the fact that our spiritual condition and psychological state of mind are highly affected by what is happening to us physically. Sometimes depression is simply the result of exhaustion."- Tony Campolo

The vacation trip that I went.... Hong Kong, Shen Zhen and Guang Zhou in March was one of the worst I've ever been on. It made me swear never to go on another family trip again. I've had my lowest and average days then, it still gives me bittersweet and painful memories.


At the end of it all, I've seen progress through exhaustion and exhaustion through progress in these four months. It has been a long stretch and there will be one up ahead. I know that I, Iris, am ready for it, but more than anything, maybe, my secret wish is for someone that I can love wholly to share this pain with me. Maybe like any girl, maybe I'm no longer lying to myself that I don't wish for a companion and my other half to share my sorrows and happiness with me.

What lies at the end of this long stretch? What new roads would she pick?

Swallowing Abyss

“All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.” 

― Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

There have been... Certain things in my mind right now. In the midst of a three-week school vacation, I find myself spending more time with my family. Like with every holiday, with every precious moment spent with them, I bring myself closer to experience unforgettable and regretful feelings.

Why, you may ask. Why ever would you say something so absolutely horrid about your family?

It's extremely simple, I have an extremely dysfunctional relationship with them. I get treated the way I do for more than ten long years. Do I make them sound like your regular abusive family? Why, yes. Yes, I do. But, you won't be looking for physical bruises and wounds. I bare the emotional and psychological wounds like a shield, proud of all the wear and tear it's been facing in a long, unending war.

Tears from a silent soul.
Photo credit: http://www.bubblews.com/assets/images/news/360685234_1377400197.jpg

I have felt really dark emotions and feelings: contempt, disdain, despair, mediocrity, worthlessness, uselessness and helplessness because of my family or because of their contributions to it.

In the end, I think this post is about a little 18 year old girl seeking salvation or asylum from people who don't love her unconditionally as she needs, neither do they give her the support she wants and really, all she wishes is to be free.

These emotions are now coiling in a black mass in the girl's soul. How can she unravel them? How can she get rid of them? How can she take away all the pain she's felt?

With each day passing, as the time continues its march, the little girl slowly feels herself weakening, her walls crumbling and maybe, 10 long years of vigil against the darkness may slowly swallow her whole instead.

What meets her at the end of the darkness?

Salvation or incarceration?