Crossroads and Decisions

Often times, it may seem I take a long time to come back to write a journal entry. But maybe, coming back every once in a while makes me see an entirely new perspective.

It's been four months since the previous post and nine months since my first post. How much has changed with such a short span... it's been mentioned before, yes but yet at the same time, I can't help but reiterate this point yet again.

To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering. - Friedrich Nietszche

I am Iris, a dreamer, a pragmatist, a optimist, a realist and also, a caged bird. Here are some hard truths that I have denied to believe, some thrown into my face. I have changed. I have changed since I was in my pubescent years, I have changed since three years ago when I first started my diploma education.

Has the change been all good or bad? Maybe, but it seems... It feels as if I have changed for the worse.

Three years ago, I was more prideful, immensely more stubborn, opinionated, idealistic and full of dreams and hopes. Now? What has become of the nineteen year old? She seems more matured, more adaptable to other actions, other preferences and others' thoughts. Even if... even if the thoughts of her own didn't match with what others wanted. She is now nothing more than a people-pleaser, or now someone who does what is needed and what is obligated.

Iris is empty and living in suffering, surviving in a meaningless and endless struggle with expectations and obligations, she has become a shell. Her opinions sound too similar, her thoughts wholly indifferent. What has attracted others to her fiery passion and gaze... is gone. In the suffering she's been through, her own meaning for living, for her dreams and hopes have been lost, aimlessly unsure and unsettled even as she tries to make her way through getting ready for university admission.

What bothers her the most? Not the lack of knowledge,  lack of experience, nor the lacklustre achievements. It's simple... Iris no longer feels her soul belongs to her nor to who she once was.

In suffering, sometimes dreams are lost and to those whose dreams are shattered, they wander aimlessly in an eternal abyss.

Progress and Exhaustion

It's been.... four months since my previous post at the start of the year, and how much can change in four months. I've become a third year in school and in my final year to getting my diploma. I've grown.... Grown more willing to the viewpoints that I've not bothered to look at before. But I think most of all, I've grown... Grown less hopeful, more stressful, more wistful, more cynical and less of an innocent I was before.


Such things may not have only happened in the four months, but I've felt as if lately it has become so. I'm not sure if it's from past experiences or a steady accumulation over time.


One thing I do know is that.... I'm actually really tired. I'm tired of all the expectations, all the hard work I've had to put in, all the facades I need to give to people I don't particularly fancy, all the rules and obligations and last of all, I'm tired of myself.


Four months.... And I'm 19 now since four days ago. You might think, well, 19 is pretty young. You're still young! You've a bright future ahead of you! But what if... What if that was all a farce.


The truth is that I've exhausted myself out every day since I've been keenly aware of what was called and perceived societal notions and expectations. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired from being a perfectionist and I'm tired from seeming constantly nice. I'm tired of being a people-pleaser and I'm tired of being stuck in this little rut of mine I always seem to be in when I feel that my shield against my own battered heart won't hold up.

"Often, we ignore the fact that our spiritual condition and psychological state of mind are highly affected by what is happening to us physically. Sometimes depression is simply the result of exhaustion."- Tony Campolo

The vacation trip that I went.... Hong Kong, Shen Zhen and Guang Zhou in March was one of the worst I've ever been on. It made me swear never to go on another family trip again. I've had my lowest and average days then, it still gives me bittersweet and painful memories.


At the end of it all, I've seen progress through exhaustion and exhaustion through progress in these four months. It has been a long stretch and there will be one up ahead. I know that I, Iris, am ready for it, but more than anything, maybe, my secret wish is for someone that I can love wholly to share this pain with me. Maybe like any girl, maybe I'm no longer lying to myself that I don't wish for a companion and my other half to share my sorrows and happiness with me.

What lies at the end of this long stretch? What new roads would she pick?

Swallowing Abyss

“All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.” 

― Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

There have been... Certain things in my mind right now. In the midst of a three-week school vacation, I find myself spending more time with my family. Like with every holiday, with every precious moment spent with them, I bring myself closer to experience unforgettable and regretful feelings.

Why, you may ask. Why ever would you say something so absolutely horrid about your family?

It's extremely simple, I have an extremely dysfunctional relationship with them. I get treated the way I do for more than ten long years. Do I make them sound like your regular abusive family? Why, yes. Yes, I do. But, you won't be looking for physical bruises and wounds. I bare the emotional and psychological wounds like a shield, proud of all the wear and tear it's been facing in a long, unending war.

Tears from a silent soul.
Photo credit: http://www.bubblews.com/assets/images/news/360685234_1377400197.jpg

I have felt really dark emotions and feelings: contempt, disdain, despair, mediocrity, worthlessness, uselessness and helplessness because of my family or because of their contributions to it.

In the end, I think this post is about a little 18 year old girl seeking salvation or asylum from people who don't love her unconditionally as she needs, neither do they give her the support she wants and really, all she wishes is to be free.

These emotions are now coiling in a black mass in the girl's soul. How can she unravel them? How can she get rid of them? How can she take away all the pain she's felt?

With each day passing, as the time continues its march, the little girl slowly feels herself weakening, her walls crumbling and maybe, 10 long years of vigil against the darkness may slowly swallow her whole instead.

What meets her at the end of the darkness?

Salvation or incarceration?

Attainable Introspection

I suppose... That this represents me.
Photo Credit: http://photos.foter.com/164/schopfung_l.jpg

I'm Iris. I'm 18 years old and I believe this would be a form of release for me. This blog is inspired by the eloquence that my twin brother and best friend has put to his own blog. Likewise, I believe and (maybe) hope that this will form a sort of introspection, a sort of unraveling for my emotions, thoughts, beliefs, experiences and values.

Maybe, what I hope for is that... After looking back at this blog from the beginning, I see a change and I would bloom from a small egg into a free flown bird.

What would I feel from seeing the things around me? What would I think from experiencing them? What would I think from not experiencing them?

Essentially, I think this quote helps,

“May Light always surround you;
Hope kindle and rebound you.
May your Hurts turn to Healing;
Your Heart embrace Feeling.
May Wounds become Wisdom;
Every Kindness a Prism.
May Laughter infect you;
Your Passion resurrect you.
May Goodness inspire
your Deepest Desires.
Through all that you Reach For,
May your arms Never Tire.”
― D. Simone

To all those who read this, I hope that in the new years and new beginnings ahead, our hearts will embrace Feeling and may all wounds forever become part of our Wisdom.

Let us all start anew, fresh and full of purpose once more.