Progress and Exhaustion

It's been.... four months since my previous post at the start of the year, and how much can change in four months. I've become a third year in school and in my final year to getting my diploma. I've grown.... Grown more willing to the viewpoints that I've not bothered to look at before. But I think most of all, I've grown... Grown less hopeful, more stressful, more wistful, more cynical and less of an innocent I was before.


Such things may not have only happened in the four months, but I've felt as if lately it has become so. I'm not sure if it's from past experiences or a steady accumulation over time.


One thing I do know is that.... I'm actually really tired. I'm tired of all the expectations, all the hard work I've had to put in, all the facades I need to give to people I don't particularly fancy, all the rules and obligations and last of all, I'm tired of myself.


Four months.... And I'm 19 now since four days ago. You might think, well, 19 is pretty young. You're still young! You've a bright future ahead of you! But what if... What if that was all a farce.


The truth is that I've exhausted myself out every day since I've been keenly aware of what was called and perceived societal notions and expectations. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired from being a perfectionist and I'm tired from seeming constantly nice. I'm tired of being a people-pleaser and I'm tired of being stuck in this little rut of mine I always seem to be in when I feel that my shield against my own battered heart won't hold up.

"Often, we ignore the fact that our spiritual condition and psychological state of mind are highly affected by what is happening to us physically. Sometimes depression is simply the result of exhaustion."- Tony Campolo

The vacation trip that I went.... Hong Kong, Shen Zhen and Guang Zhou in March was one of the worst I've ever been on. It made me swear never to go on another family trip again. I've had my lowest and average days then, it still gives me bittersweet and painful memories.


At the end of it all, I've seen progress through exhaustion and exhaustion through progress in these four months. It has been a long stretch and there will be one up ahead. I know that I, Iris, am ready for it, but more than anything, maybe, my secret wish is for someone that I can love wholly to share this pain with me. Maybe like any girl, maybe I'm no longer lying to myself that I don't wish for a companion and my other half to share my sorrows and happiness with me.

What lies at the end of this long stretch? What new roads would she pick?