It's been four months since the previous post and nine months since my first post. How much has changed with such a short span... it's been mentioned before, yes but yet at the same time, I can't help but reiterate this point yet again.
To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering. - Friedrich Nietszche
I am Iris, a dreamer, a pragmatist, a optimist, a realist and also, a caged bird. Here are some hard truths that I have denied to believe, some thrown into my face. I have changed. I have changed since I was in my pubescent years, I have changed since three years ago when I first started my diploma education.
Has the change been all good or bad? Maybe, but it seems... It feels as if I have changed for the worse.
Three years ago, I was more prideful, immensely more stubborn, opinionated, idealistic and full of dreams and hopes. Now? What has become of the nineteen year old? She seems more matured, more adaptable to other actions, other preferences and others' thoughts. Even if... even if the thoughts of her own didn't match with what others wanted. She is now nothing more than a people-pleaser, or now someone who does what is needed and what is obligated.
Iris is empty and living in suffering, surviving in a meaningless and endless struggle with expectations and obligations, she has become a shell. Her opinions sound too similar, her thoughts wholly indifferent. What has attracted others to her fiery passion and gaze... is gone. In the suffering she's been through, her own meaning for living, for her dreams and hopes have been lost, aimlessly unsure and unsettled even as she tries to make her way through getting ready for university admission.
What bothers her the most? Not the lack of knowledge, lack of experience, nor the lacklustre achievements. It's simple... Iris no longer feels her soul belongs to her nor to who she once was.
In suffering, sometimes dreams are lost and to those whose dreams are shattered, they wander aimlessly in an eternal abyss.
